Now usually I don’t do this, but uh, go ahead and break ’em off with a little preview of the memoir: now I’m not trying to be rude, but hey R. Kelly has a book, the way he dishes out them truths reminds me of Margaret At-a-wood, that’s why I’m trying to tip the scale, reading you The Handmaid’s Tale, so that reference I just made doesn’t have you saying ‘what the hay-ell?’, so baby gimme that toot toot, lemme give you that peep peep, running her hands cross my shelves, while we’re reading ourselves, and… something, something, uh, elves – it’s the memoir of R. Kelly, you’ve seen him on the telly, trying to cover his scandals just like he’s Machiavelli…

By which shoddy re-write of an unimpeachable pop classic I mean, holy bump n’ grind, everyone, R. Kelly has written an autobiography called Soula Coasta: The Diary of Me, and while my mind’s telling me no, my body, my body is telling me ye-e-es, which is why I’m writing about this instead of Margaret Atwood joining Wattpad or Fifty Shades of Grey continuing to beat records into submission. Soula Coasta! It’s a real thing! A real thing that R. Kelly has written/dictated! And you’ll be able to buy it by the end of the month!

The R&B savant/Trapped In The Closet auteur/occasional genius (Soula Coasta!) will apparently cover the ‘conflicting realities of “Bump and Grind” sexuality [and] soul stirring “I Believe I Can Fly” spirit’, which is hopefully code for ‘will go into detail about the artistic processes behind writing some of the most beloved pop songs of the past 20 years and maybe also that time he allegedly peed on that 14 year old girl – no, not Aaliyah, the other one.’ The man has lived a life, is the point. (Soula Coasta!)

SmileyBooks will publish the autobiography that has now shot to the top of our collective summer reading lists on June 28 in America, two days after Kelly releases his latest album, Write Me Back. Unfortunately, UK readers will have to wait until August 6 for Hay House to publish the hardback here. Did I mention this thing is called Soula Coasta? Soula Coasta! On a related note: come back, Dave Chappelle. We miss you.