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R. Kelly to release spectacularly-titled autobiography

Now usually I don’t do this, but uh, go ahead and break ’em off with a little preview of the memoir: now I’m not trying to be rude, but hey R. Kelly has a book, the way he dishes out them truths reminds me of Margaret At-a-wood, that’s why I’m trying to tip the scale, reading you The Handmaid’s Tale, so that reference I just made doesn’t have you saying ‘what the hay-ell?’, so baby gimme that toot toot, lemme give you that peep peep, running her hands cross my shelves, while we’re reading ourselves, and… something, something, uh, elves – it’s the memoir of R. Kelly, you’ve seen him on the telly, trying to cover his scandals just like he’s Machiavelli…

By which shoddy re-write of an unimpeachable pop classic I mean, holy bump n’ grind, everyone, R. Kelly has written an autobiography called Soula Coasta: The Diary of Me, and while my mind’s telling me no, my body, my body is telling me ye-e-es, which is why I’m writing about this instead of Margaret Atwood joining Wattpad or Fifty Shades of Grey continuing to beat records into submission. Soula Coasta! It’s a real thing! A real thing that R. Kelly has written/dictated! And you’ll be able to buy it by the end of the month!

The R&B savant/Trapped In The Closet auteur/occasional genius (Soula Coasta!) will apparently cover the ‘conflicting realities of “Bump and Grind” sexuality [and] soul stirring “I Believe I Can Fly” spirit’, which is hopefully code for ‘will go into detail about the artistic processes behind writing some of the most beloved pop songs of the past 20 years and maybe also that time he allegedly peed on that 14 year old girl – no, not Aaliyah, the other one.’ The man has lived a life, is the point. (Soula Coasta!)

SmileyBooks will publish the autobiography that has now shot to the top of our collective summer reading lists on June 28 in America, two days after Kelly releases his latest album, Write Me Back. Unfortunately, UK readers will have to wait until August 6 for Hay House to publish the hardback here. Did I mention this thing is called Soula Coasta? Soula Coasta! On a related note: come back, Dave Chappelle. We miss you.

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Chris Ward

Chris Ward

Chris Ward writes and says things about books and music and films and what have you, even when no one is reading or listening.
He was chief hack and music editor of webzine Brazen from 2006 to 2010, and hosted Left of the Dial on Subcity Radio from 2008 to 2011.
He can be heard semi-regularly on the podcast of Scottish cultural blog Scots Whay Hae ('20th best website in Scotland!' - The List), and in 2011 founded Seen Your Video, a film and music podcast and blog based in Glasgow. He has a Masters degree in Scottish Literature from the University of Glasgow that will never have any practical application. You are on a hiding to nothing if you follow him on Twitter expecting any kind of hot publishing scoop.

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