Fifty Shades film finds writer, still isn’t finished

As the leaves fall from the trees, autumn descends and the turn of the seasons rolls relentlessly onward, it’s nice to be reminded that some things are, indeed, constant and unchanging, such as the neverending news cycle about the forthcoming film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, which still hasn’t been made even though it feels like we’ve been writing about it since some time before the Boer War.

At least this time it’s something more concrete than ‘Bret Easton Ellis is a fan of the book, maybe he mentioned it a couple of times?’: the poor writer charged with turning the novel into something that won’t look too ridiculous when performed by flesh and blood (or at least silicone and blood) human beings has been announced as Kelly Marcel, who beat out previously mooted contenders like The Killing‘s Veena Sud and prompted a series of angry, spluttering tweets from Ellis, thus earning her our undying loyalty and support.

Marcel’s comparatively brief but eclectic resumé to date has seen her co-create and executive produce Steven Spielberg’s doomed dinosaur-centric TV show Terra Nova (we’ll pause here to allow you to make your own giant bone jokes), co-found the Bad Dog Theatre Company with portable mountain and sometime actor Tom Hardy and pen the buzzed-about screenplay for Saving Mr. Banks, the story of Walt Disney’s struggle to adapt Mary Poppins that is due to be filmed imminently with Tom Hanks, Emma Thompson and Colin Farrell starring. So, uh, that should give you some idea of what to expect from the Fifty Shades movie, right? Dinosaurs and whimsical English nannies?

Bearing in mind that this thing doesn’t even have a director or any stars attached yet, and so most likely won’t even begin filming until well into 2013, seek reassurance in these tumultuous times that BookMachine will always be here for you, reporting on every slow, torturous development until something in you snaps and you actually start enjoying it. Then we’ll ask you to stop making eye contact with us.

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